All Your Clothes Still Smell Like Gasoline

December 12th, 2011

It’s been a while since I have posted anything to this blog. It has been a while since I have had anything to write that was interesting about what SvenMusic is doing.  I have created a section of SvenMusic called V O T it is an offshoot that focuses only on remixing. The first project for V O T has been a remix of Elsinore’s song “Gasoline.” I ended up creating 3 remixes for Elsinore:

RMXS: GASOLINE : 2 C8H18 + 25 O2 → 16 CO2 + 18 H2O

|::  Deflagration RMX  ::| 6m34s

Decycled remix uses only the existing material from the original tracks.

|::  Winterized RMX  ::| 8m01s

Using only the soft synths in cakewalk and drum machine.  The accompaniment is all new material with new chord structures and utilizing E-minor as the relative minor.

|::  Choke RMX   ::| 6m54s

With the exception of the drums and vocals all additional material is performed by sven.


These are available for download at: http://elsinore.bandcamp.com/album/svens-gasoline-trio -proceeds benefit Imerman Angels!


Working with raw tracks is a lot like taking an anatomy class, but at the end you have to choose the anatomical parts and make them into a new person. I learned so much about what went into creating Elsinore’s YES YES YES album.  “Gasoline” itself was ~139 tracks and none of the tracks seemed unnecessary it is a surprisingly layered recording.


I never thought that I would make it through all of the material and remix the song in such a way that would honor the original, I hope I succeeded.  I am excited to see where this goes.





The Cycle of the Seasons

January 24th, 2011

Well that was a lot of words! I have completed the lyrics to the “4 Seasons.” They may not be perfect, but nothing ever is… The seasons became more about relationships as a continuous cycle and yet even as a cycle I can see it as a straight line over the course of a romantic relationship.  I have written most of the music for the choir… well, I still have half of Fall and half of Winter to write… but now that the words are done, I know what colors I have to paint with and guide the notes and color them with the accompany the choir.  I am looking forward to this upcoming weekend where I hope to get all the music written… then I will have to work on the dynamics and slurs and tempo markings and all other accents… etc.  SO without further ado here are the words for the seasons:


Vernal  – Spring –Renewal/Regret -F major

“Infatuation”

In whispered quiet the gentle green growth waits

Breaks forth to life like souls to Heaven’s gate

Renew life from winter’s cold, dark embrace

Bring us to hope and light without a trace


Sparkling dew drips down the driving grass stems

We will take this moment to make amends

Light breathes with great urgency to arrive

We move towards the fresh air of our new life


New life begins what nature has ended

Renewal of old life represented

Cast away the skulking ghosts of the past

Failing to forget the present cannot last


Taking this, the gift of hope we now own

Forgotten are the frigid winds that blow

When the earth is browned and dormant sleep

The breath of love we shall forever keep


Estival – Summer-Comfort/Consequence – D major

“Complications”

The complicated arid air you bring

Brings forth the birds, who open up and sing

The lasting days of light thought of it best

Though the young birds fly away from our nest


Transfixed upon the lasting days

The bright blue sky and forgotten grays

The heat of the midday sun’s baking beams

Daylight reminds us of gifts we receive


Believe that all is well with all things here

That with the blinding heat and sultry cheer

Comes browning grasses and the creeping roots

Weeds break loose from the ground with quick sharp shoots


We look towards the moments we’ll receive

When at last we can count on the relief

Of the glow of warm summer night’s sleep

The warmth of love we shall forever keep


Autumnal – Autumn- Splendor/Suffering – E minor

“Faithfulness”

The returns of labor bring forth reward

Soil gives bounty of summer’s board

The birds we hear gathering close in fall

Remind us that time draws upon us all


Flourish the colors in the air we breathe

Completing the words we cannot conceive

And although the cool air brings with it storms

The trees bring forth red, yellow, and orange


Autumn sadness grips us with firm regret

For rewards of time and the gifts unspent

Moving forward and leaving the rest behind

We persist with open hearts and minds


Infuse passion in the hope we carry

Even our life finds it necessary

And long at last the trees sigh once to sleep

The hope of love we shall forever keep



Hibernal – Winter- Completion/Contemplation – D minor

“Eternity”

Although the distant landscape has grown bare

It is in shelters of warmth we now share

Sparkling dew replaced by sparkling snow

It is in sharing space our love now grows


As we shut our eyes to the distant wind

Carry us away and let our souls blend

Although darkness creeps into our lives

We shall see the glow in each other’s eyes


The light we cling to, reminds us of spring

Light, illuminating everything

And we know we may never return there

Memories of our journey we shall share


Even surrounded by death, our hope persists

It is in our hoping we know it exists

Though we try to keep our eyelids from sleep

The gift of love we shall forever keep




Four Seasons, not Vivaldi

December 6th, 2010

I am working on an SSAA Choir Piece for the Nordic Voices – Chicago, this is my first commissioned piece that I have ever had… I have some mixed feelings about it.  On one hand, I really am grateful for the opportunity to share my choir pieces with an audience. On the other hand, I am terrified that maybe I don’t know what I am doing and I am just wasting the Choir’s time.  Either way, I have to do this, celebrated or not.  The concept of the choir piece is 4 movements = 4 seasons… OK not super original… But the words will be original. 4 Poems based on the seasons and the cycle they represent:



Spring –Renewal/Regret F Major

Summer-Comfort/Consequence D Major

Fall- Splendor/Suffering C# Minor

Winter- Completion/Contemplation D Minor/F Major



I have completed the poem for Spring and here it is:



Spring –Renewal/Regret

In whispered quiet the gentle green growth waits

Breaks forth to life like souls to Heaven’s Gate

Renew life from winter’s cold, dark embrace

Bring us to hope and light without a trace


Sparkling dew drips down the driving grass stems

We will take this moment to make amends

Light breathes with great urgency to arrive

We move towards the fresh air of our new life


New life begins what nature has ended

Renewal of old life represented

Cast away the skulking ghosts of the past

Failing to forget the present cannot last


Taking this, the gift of hope we now own

Forgotten are the frigid winds that blow

When the earth is browned and dormant sleep

The breath of Spring we shall forever keep


I am also having an issue with the order of the movements.  Should it start with Spring and end with Winter, or start with Winter and end with spring?  Who knows how I will complete this task, I just know that I wish I could take a couple weeks off and eat, sleep, breathe, the choir pieces.  But everyone knows real life isn’t like that… and so we must continue to try. I am hoping to complete this work by February.


The piece will be around 15-20 minutes in length and will apparently be awesome once completed.  Sometimes I forget to tell myself these things. I will update as this piece progresses.





Dreams

October 27th, 2010

I had dreams and I had so many memories

and more and more I see less and less of them

it is a corruption of what I had planned with you

its the frayed edges of belief that I can never hem


She says she can’t breathe and I am holding too tight

I could lose everything I once had and everything I ever had

she could fade while I wish away all that I could ever want

when did I wake up and find myself such a happy cynic man


I feel weary and nervous waiting for my time to come

like I’ve always accepted the dreams of all the others

grow up, marry, have children, grow old together

but what is this persistence that we even bother


I would end it now if I knew where to go from here

but where would I go to appear be a new person

there is nothing left in these dreams here for me

how do words promises and dreams get undone








You Owe Me {Failed Thought}

October 13th, 2010

It’s October.  Pinktober… I used to think of Fall and Halloween, and upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas. Now it’s just the harsh reminder of the divide between those that would like to put breast cancer behind them and those that are more than excited to celebrate survivorship with  “Breast Cancer Awareness Month.” Since I feel already more than aware of breast cancer and would love to be less aware of breast cancer… I would like to suggest October be “Breast Cancer Oblivion Month” the one month out of the year where no one may think of, sell products of, wear pink, and use it as an opportunity to “get the word out” related to breast cancer.  I know that this may put me in the position of being a hypocrite… but really there is an implied expectation that this month is what survivors and caregivers live for and celebrate… but really it can be a cold reminder of the sectioning off of these two factions of the divide mentioned before.


There is no cure. At least not yet.  Even with every exam that comes back clean, NED, Stable, or unremarkable, there is no relief, it only reminds us that we have dodged the bullet one more time.  October has become such a strange month for me.  It is a month of very little rest.  There is a darkness that hangs on like damp day waiting to rain.  Something we can’t shake or shudder away…. and maybe it all is meaningless, because in the end, we are not really entitled to be happy, content, or safe, but instead, constantly evaluating our surroundings and taking stock in the things we may have been spared from if even for just one more day.


Sometimes I recognize the value of an action, a thought, a word…. We are more than the sum of our parts and the sum of the parts of others. I am not sure that I have anything even remotely redeeming to say, but I do know that “we do what we do everyday to get through.” Screw it, dance around, pretend there is no tomorrow, and wear friggin’ pink because sometimes it’s good to have hope always, even when it is hopeless… so even if it sounds like a complete 180… its not because it really doesn’t have to make sense it just has to be something.  Happy Pinktober can’t wait for it to be over.



Day 8 and 9 – Failed Poems Series

September 29th, 2010

Completed 5 pieces:


VisageVisage

PinktoberPinktober

Cross My HeartCross My Heart

Painting In A CavePainting in a Cave

Dreams of HawksDreams of Hawks






I guess I don’t have much to say about this work.


Here is some possible ways to display the series:


DSCN0158Display1











Day 7 – Failed Poems Series

September 28th, 2010

Day 7 of my work commences and I know that the work continues in my head no matter what I do.  Today’s work centers around things that I lost and things that I have dreamed about.




Dreams of Hawks Layer1Dreams of Hawks -- Combined



Layer 1 and Combined of “Dreams of Hawks”







Visage  --Layer 1Visage -- Layer 2Visage - Layer 3Visage  --Combined


“Visage” Layer 1, 2, 3 and combined








Day 6: {after too long} Failed Poems Work

September 26th, 2010

It was nice to get back into the studio again after so many months.  So far I am pleased with the work that I have done.  I have evolved in my process a little, which only brings me closer to the clinical side of this endeavor.  In order to keep the plexi from getting finger prints I wore latex examination gloves and used a paint wash on many of the images I completed today, very much like  contrast stains on slides used to differentiate between normal cells and cancer cells.  Well without much further ado…. here is the work that I competed today.

Back Layer of Cross My HeartCross My Heart - layer2Cross My Heart -  Layer 1Cross My Heart - All three layers






Dreams of Hawks - One Layer






Pinktober together










Sweetness and Sour

September 3rd, 2010

I haven’t forgotten the sweetness

or the reason we were together

too many things have been taken away



its as if all of creation has become corrupt

with no choice of escaping and it comes in 5 days

with time off for good behavior


The sadness grips me in a different way each time,

Just like my contentment

Or my commitment


What have I said in the past to get me through?

I know I’ve felt this way before

But in a different shade, color, or connection.


I’ve always known that my words are useless

They are read just the same

by the wandering eye

and by wondering I

Can only wait to question


I had a dream that you were her

and that love is love

and we could only consume time

instead of each other








How Can Darkness Fail?

August 17th, 2010

The Poisoned error we breathe

venom succored and lain

the serpents tongue and sleeve

creeps its way through again


It’s your Word against mine

So what of something more?

truth like clock measures time

Darkness is not as sure


Bold in every last step

it waived high bravery

in a Cure and concept

but couldn’t watch you bleed


The Feelings have left me

of a little comfort

the known synchronous we

words are slow and short


Don’t let the Darkness fail

it keeps the Light in you

and the words that you trail

although I can’t follow


There is not much left here

speckled treasures controlled

stolen mistaken cheer

just want us to grow old

















Cross My Heart and Hope to Die/Stick a Needle in My Eye

July 21st, 2010

I remember when you told me the news                I know that there is no turning back

It’s only an option I can’t refuse

You were straight faced with nothing less             the words have no meaning

Like a picture taken without a photo lens              and I will have to deal with the punishment


Please promise me you won’t die

Even if the promise was a lie                                    for our lies and the words that have failed

I cross my heart and hope to die there are some things that we

can never tell the truth about

I knew the truth couldn’t be true

I knew how to be special for you

we can’t go on the way we were

I knew that you could not be her                              what would you do then

to stick a needle in my eye

The genetics of love had changed                             the collapse of the concrete

the catalysts of DNA rearranged                              and mystery of what could happen

Couplets and triplets skipping across my poems

I’ve failed but failure is a part of my home             I’m afraid that there is no way to ever let go

darkness masquerading as the light


Please promise me you won’t die

Even if the promise was a lie                                       absence fills the lack of space

I cross my heart and hope to die there are worse things than

a needle in our eyes

I could connect with her and temptation

are you even that person that I’ve known

now scars are the cross that go across your heart

your lies, my time, the facts, and charts                        the pinpoint of a moment


No matter how hard it gets

with our moments and regrets                                that we could never return from

I had a dream that my feelings had changed

I told you and you knew and felt the same


Please promise me you won’t die                                 there are worse things than a

Even if the promise was a lie

I cross my heart and hope to die broken promise



Promise me that you will never hope to die

Even if your promise is a lie

I cross my heart and hope to die when lies are all that we have





Stick A Needle In My Eye

July 20th, 2010

I know that there is no turning back

the words have no meaning

and I will have to deal with the punishment

for our lies and the words that have failed

there are some things that we

can never tell the truth about

it is better to lie about fear than

to experience it

what would you do then

to stick a needle in my eye

the collapse of the concrete

and mystery of what could happen

I’m afraid that there is no way to ever let go

darkness masquerading as the light

absence fills the lack of space

there are worse things than

a needle in our eyes

the pinpoint of a moment

that we could never return from

there are worse things than a

broken promise

when lies are all that we have







Cross My Heart and Hope to Die

July 17th, 2010

I remember when you told me the news

It’s only an option I can’t refuse

You were straight faced with nothing less

Like a picture taken without a photo lens


Please promise me you won’t die

Even if the promise was a lie

I cross my heart and hope to die


I knew the truth couldn’t be true

I knew how to be special for you

we can’t go on the way we were

I knew that you could not be her


The genetics of love had changed

the catalysts of DNA rearranged

Couplets and triplets skipping across my poems

I’ve failed but failure is a part of my home


Please promise me you won’t die

Even if the promise was a lie

I cross my heart and hope to die


I could connect with her and temptation

are you even that person that I’ve known

now scars are the cross that go across your heart

your lies, my time, the facts, and charts


No matter how hard it gets

with our moments and regrets

I had a dream that my feelings had changed

I told you and you knew and felt the same


Please promise me you won’t die

Even if the promise was a lie

I cross my heart and hope to die


Promise me that you will never hope to die

Even if your promise is a lie

I cross my heart and hope to die





Bright Spot {Finished}

June 5th, 2010

Bright Spot:

© 2010 SvenMusic


Intro (1m00s)

Prelude—Sunset (6m33s)

Part 1—Reset (10m43s)

Part 2—Progress (13m45s)

Part 3—Longing (10m36s)

Postlude—Sunrise (10m01s)

Outro (1m00s)


To me “Bright Spot” is the hope, the dream, that we all have, a goal of sorts.  The piece is comprised of themes that demonstrate the idea of a bright spot that we all strive towards.  The Sunset, the end of a day, but speaks of potential for the future.  Reset, the opportunity to begin again. Progress, the knowledge and achievement pushing us forward. Longing, the desire to fulfill a moment.  The Sunrise, the beginning of a new day.  The Intro and Outro are both made with pink noise, it represents the haze and static around our everyday lives.  When we get past the noise we can finally focus on the bright spot in our lives.

However the caveat to “Bright Spot” is the fact that we will never reach the bright spot… always present, always elusive.  It is in seeking the bright spot that we move forward.  Our hope rests in not achieving hope in itself, but striving for its existence.

Read more about the beginnings of “Bright Spot” here: Previous “Bright Spot” Blog Entry





Don’t let this be the last memory of me {Failed Moment}

May 18th, 2010

Fighting the good fight

or even the questionable fight

Seems we’ll never be able to let it go

I am so afraid of not knowing

The last moment that I have

Leaving you and leaving me

I know that we can only wish

To leave something greater

Really that’s all we ever want

To be more than the sum of our parts

I’d be happy with some of my parts

but not all

Every moment is just a moment

That we hope will not be our last


Have I failed the Reader

Like I have failed a poem?

Still I write and continue this pursuit

While pursued

Still, let me write my swan song

if I know that it is coming

should we look at life like

the last chance to do anything?

the last chance to be anything?

the last chance to say anything?

the last reason to do anything?

the last reason to be anything?

the last reason to say anything?





The Old is New Again

April 29th, 2010

I just posted on my Past Projects page a song that I wrote for my wife back in 2002:

Little Darling

Also 2 remixes:

Remix 1 – “Dance All Night Remix

Remix 2 – “Rock It Remix


On the home page I uploaded “Candela” from a 2003 project, this can be played on the MP3 Player on the home page.

You can also download all the movements here:

Nihildum

Aduro Et Lux Lucis

Aestus Estus

Tabesco

Anhelo



2010 {Failed} Artist Statement

April 22nd, 2010

Inevitably, projects begin to intersect.  In the midst of the work that I continue to work on, my life dictates the work that I perform and execute.  In 2007 my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. My work took a back seat.  There was a most evident threat: cancer, our lives, and who we were.  The choices we make dictate the course or direction of our life, but this was thrust upon us.  The will was shaken, but never defeated.  I learned much about myself and the choices that we control.  During this time my fantasy, my safe place was the visualization that I was floating, not sinking, allowing myself to float gently on the waves with no fear or complications.  I felt whole, complete…


I could only feel the change taking place, an obsession, the destructive attitude that drives us deep within.  The splitting of two halves: true to myself or true to hope.  Like a cyclical motif I came back to the place where I began just to begin the split again.  Living this moment over and over again reminds us of the pure simple fact, it is when we have nothing left to lose we return to the moment that all we have to hold on to is hope. Yet, as we hold on to hope, formless and empty, it is that substance of nothingness that only believing in its existence that we know that it exists. How can I build a foundation upon a seemingly nonexistent support system?


I came to the realization, why not celebrate my faults? Hold on to the thing that holds me down? In as much as I hold on to the hope that doesn’t exist, but does because I believe it does.  What is my failing?  In the same sense that I could return to the hope after all that was lost, I could celebrate the faults that I chose to hide.  Hence the “Failed Poems” and “Bright Spot.” The original idea for Failed Poems was the concept of revealing and concealing the things I fear most: my inadequacies and the elements in my life where I had failed.  Poems seem a good allegory for my dreams that I had with my wife and the course of my life.  When I write a poem I hope that my words convey the meaning and everything that I have in those simple words.  When the poem fails, it fails me.   I deal with these failed words. Much like the feeling of a cancer diagnosis.  Words fail. Hopes fail.  How do I explore these concepts?


The Failed Poems project relied on the cyclical motif of Fail to Hope to Fail to Hope.  Without over thinking, I would layout ideas and concepts what comes to mind and the words that flow.  Laying out feelings and truth without consideration to their artistic merit.  Why worry when eventually the circle would reach its furthest diameter and travel back around?  So do I focus on creating a bigger diameter? Hoping that I could push further into despair, only believing that it would take me deeper into hope on the return trip.  The elements are simple: transparency, concealment, obscurement, and elucidation.  Fear=Concealment/Obscurement, Hope= Transparency/Elucidation…. Hence, the concept of the view boxes.  A box with a view into the inside. Only those that chose to look into the box will see what is concealed.  Inside a random collection of thoughts, words, images, and a chronicle of  facing breast cancer with a loved one.  Using plexiglass I laid out images that would rest in a frame, overlapping with each other to form a composite image.  This is very similar to the experience of looking at test results: X-rays, DNA results, MRI’s, biopsies, and cancer literature.  This is the problem when patients and caregivers are bombarded with every piece of information and yet are still wanting. I hope that I can deal with my demons as I work through the pieces and decipher my own issues.


The “Bright Spot” was intended to serve as a meditative piece with a sense of serenity and focus.  I was tired of grappling with how my brain dealt with information and music. Why bother making it like all other music?  Or even to the extent that I didn’t care how it matched up to other music. It was my music and as long as it made sense to me I would be complete.  Why not just allow the parts to represent my ADD and let the world hear how I experience the world?  Through the experience of breast cancer and hoping for a better future the noise built in my mind.  The only way to calm my mind is to fill it with other noise… sound… parts… music….  The more I can fill my mind the more the static is deadened.  It is my hope that this music will serve as a help to cancer patients to draw their minds from Chemo or Radiation.  Even to help them sleep at night.  It has taken on a whole different character as it grows and becomes more than the sum of its parts.


Until the projects are done I will not know the full extent of their meaning if at all, but I know that these projects are intertwined and their meanings are combined.



Blast from the Past-”Tartuffe” Theatre Soundtrack-Performance 1997

March 13th, 2010

Tartuffe_Profile


While attending Trinity Christian College I wrote the soundtrack to the student theater production of “Tartuffe” in April 1997, Directed by Ken DeWyn. It is really great to revisit works that I have done over the years… now totaling over 250 pieces… Most of them are junk, but there are a few good things in there. This soundtrack would be one of them, I started writing music using FINALE in 1993. Using my ROLAND MT-32, which you will hear exclusively in the soundtrack. During the performance I hooked my computer and synth to the sound system and played the MIDI file “live.”


Set in the Baroque period I can’t say I like the use of the “Recorder” synth sound that I thought of as being “Clarinets” or “Oboes,” however the Organ and Harpsichord has a pretty good sound on the MT-32.


While recording these pieces, I had many “what was I thinking” moments… But I realize that is where I was in my development and it serves as a great reference to where I was and where I am going. We learn so much by where we’ve been…



Tartuffe Soundtrack – April 1997:


Opening – {Prelude}
2 minute warning

Intro to Act 1

Act 1 to 2 

Act 2 to 3

End of Act 3 to Intermission

Intro to Act 4

Act 4 Scene 4 to 5

Act 4 to 5

FINAL

Curtain Call





Bright Spot {Music Project}

February 28th, 2010

Bright Spot is an instrumental music piece that I have been working on since December. For those of you that can’t wait until this is recorded I have gone ahead and created a General Midi File that will play on your on board synth… So be sure to turn up the synth volume on your control panel. Here is the Prelude{Sunset}~6min D Major” Midi file. Remember this is a Draft and I guessed as best that I can at the GM synth sounds your sound card’s synth may not sound the same as mine… the Prelude has a GBGD Motif continually throughout the prelude that gradually speeds up and then slows down as the “Sun” dips below the horizon.


Bright Spot will be comprised of:

Prelude{Sunset}~6min D Major

Part 1{Reset}~10min F Major

Part 2{no Working Title}~12min B Minor

Part 3{Longing} ~Still in process B flat Major

Postlude {Sunrise} ~not begun, D Major/Minor?


I guess that I don’t know what to say about these pieces, but I have come to a point in the work where I want to do work that I like, that speaks about who I am and the way that my mind works. I have chosen to have my work represent myself, with respect to the history of music, but not bound by it.  I have been trying to work on phrases and sections that represent a repetitive thought in my ADD addled brain.  Since I believe that my prose does not seem to convey how my mind works or puts thoughts together, I will have to use my music and art to pull these desperate thoughts together.  Amidst existing thoughts that won’t let go {Melody/Chord Phrases} I will add other elements to compliment the repeating thought, sometimes my thoughts are like a song stuck in your head… Or so I can guess.  I don’t need to make everyone happy with my work… but I should always be creating work that makes me satisfied.  I want this music to be escapist {Function: noun/adjective: habitual diversion of the mind to purely imaginative activity or entertainment as an escape from reality or routine}*sorry, just love definitions*  ANYWAY… I’ve said too much….  Please let me know if you like the the Prelude and I may just put out some more files before I get everything recorded, which I hope will happen before It gets warm…. I need to get back to my Failed Poems Project.






This is the {Last { and }First} Day of My Life.

February 8th, 2010

This day was not designed to be the day that I reset

the constant reminder of ringing in my right ear

symbols crashing together blurry and unforgiving

no time for the sloppy goodbyes I will see you in a second

missing moments that could happen everyday

waiting for the next day and into the next

there may not be room for love in all this


I don’t feel love

maybe try to be love in form

maybe love is like describing a color

you can never define it, but describe how

it makes you feel and the objects it touches

its reflections and brilliance

This maybe a good time to reflect

on what I would leave behind

what I have yet to create


I wish I could believe that this is okay

that we could stay like this forever

the lie we tell ourselves so that we can accept the truth

Eventually

a void is in fact a space of lacking

it is the space of nothing

occupying the corners of our mind

but I wouldn’t change this day for anything

because it is me and me alone

and I’ll be here a while












Instru{Mental}

January 16th, 2010

More time spent in the music studio.  I like having no real set plan, although, I am looking to have 5 pieces–same instrumentation–about 10 minutes each.  I want to create music that makes the mind wander.  I spend most of the time stressing and not enough relaxing so, I want to create music that takes my mind away.  I was also thinking of making this music for people going through chemo, something to take their mind off of their body and into their mind.  Once its all done I will make it available on the website for anyone to download.  Maybe I could put these together with the Failed Poems Project. –Back to work “Tssssh!”





Chasing the Failed Ghosts of the Past

December 31st, 2009

So as we approach the end of 2009 and the beginning of 2010…. Are we just recycling the excitement of the assumption of a better year in the hopes that we will begin again and repeat the cycle over again?  Like a Mobius Strip are we entering the same path over and over?  I am holding on to hope.  The ghosts of the past are that moment that we are lost in the memory of those we love, are missing, and of what we once were. I hope I get a moment of this year that is a pleasant surprise…. Let us look forward to looking back on fond memories of the past year.



Maybe a little {hoffen} is what I need.

December 23rd, 2009

Maybe this is cheesy, but I just pulled the definition of hope from http://m-w-com.

Here it is:

Main Entry: 1hope

Pronunciation: \hōp\

Function: verb

Inflected Form(s): hoped; hop·ing

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English hopian; akin to Middle High German hoffen to hope

Date: before 12th century

intransitive verb

1 : to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>
2 archaic : trust

transitive verb 1 : to desire with expectation of obtainment
2 : to expect with confidence : trust

synonyms see expect


I think I am going to go with “to desire with expectation of obtainment,”  BLAST! Now what do I expect to obtain? Understanding? Peace? Trust? Love?  Not likely… But that could be whats missing.. Expectation.








Have we Failed {hope} or has {hope} Failed us?

December 18th, 2009

Hope seems to be the rallying cry for cancer patients, cancer survivors, cancer supporters, cancer etc. you get the idea…  I think about what hope is. A lot.  Really, what is it?  Cancer seems to be in fact the anti-hope and yet is the realization of what hope is, was, and will be.   It is unfortunate that we are forced to grapple with our own sense of health, happiness, and contentment, when we are touched by cancer.  Our own truth and measurement system is based on that sliding scale of what we believe could, should, shouldn’t, or will happen.  Is it in a sense denial? Is it the strange process by which we go through a grieving process as we face changing situations and expected loss?* Is hope the opposite of fear? Of course not… that would be too easy.  It’s probably some equation that sets our emotions into a state of hope…. but how cool would that be:

[HOPE - Despair] 2 = [Situation]3 / [(Contentment  /Loss - Gains) * Self esteem ]

Ah, I just wish it were that easy, but since I seem to have forgotten my algebra the secrets of hope are lost forever.    I can only hold on, hoping that hope is somewhere within my grasp.  I think the truest quote on the existence of hope has got to be from Futurama:


“You can’t give up hope because it is hopeless!

You have to hope even more and cover your ears

and go ‘BLAH, BLAH, BLAH’”


I guess hope will always be the thing that is best seen out of the corner of your eye.  It is the thing that is always sought, but never found. Created, but never made…. Well you get the point.


*I don’t mean “loss” of life by the way… I think dying is probably not necessarily the reason for hope in this situation, we continue to fear death throughout the process, but I never feel that “not dying” is the reason we experience hope… In that particular situation it feels more like having hope that we live life well.  So the end goal of that sense of hope is to hold on to that sense of well being and worth while moment.




Trans is Shunnning to Music {winter effect}

December 12th, 2009

Unfortunately in Illinois the weather makes it hard to continue painting in an uninsulated shed. So I am working in the music studio.  Nothing all that great right now. Actually pretty frustrating.  Is there a reason that the more frustrated that I am not in the studio the more difficult it is to actually work in the studio when I get in it?  I am full of ideas and unable to get them out.  It is like a short circuit because of such a buildup of energy…. I actually don’t know how to make it better.  I guess its just so hard to get everything started again.  I hate writer’s block.  So I really hope that I can continue my failed poems when the weather is better…



Darkness {failed light}

December 2nd, 2009

It is not the darkness that I am afraid of

it is living in the darkness forever

the darkness is happy to have me

and I am happy to have it

the light is the miser I can never negotiate

I will never hold on long enough to make it so

there is nothing I can say to take back the time

that you had a reason to say it was alright

I know you read this even now

does not matter what you would say to me

at this point it is a failed moment

and I knew better than believe

but it is believing that makes sense to me

I know you will never understand

what happened to me when I watched

and waited for you to die

I guess that you may never do so

I am pretty sure that the sickness rests in me

I would not guess that you are anything

we had our dreams and there is nothing

tell me there is nothing beyond cancer

I wonder with my words

and wander with my words

I do not think of being clever

I just think of being free

as I run out of words that trickle away

so much and so little all at the same time

I am not afraid of the darkness

just that it will never let me go







My meter is broken {couplets are broken} I Failed the Poem

November 25th, 2009

My skin pressed up against your flesh

as if we are of the same mind and desire

Keep the doubts and fears to the left of right

I just can’t be here with you tonight


There are better things than this

my life lit up with a reset

and its like a reject button

like a factory line production


I’d like nothing better then creep inside

let me roll around in your mind

my hope for you is in a box

let hope out and all is lost


The truth is that I’ve never been

that comfortable in my own skin

how could I be safe under my person

I cannot change the man I am


There is magic in my words

and the dust that settles afterwords

still I am left with my skin

you with your flesh in a tin


What is left is not really right

I could be here with you tonite

we only wish that we could be better

but I can’t stop the endless chatter


I am missing in my own direction

on a table like a vivisection

the analysis never stops inside

I am not the person to be beside







Failed Poems {failure is a success}

November 24th, 2009

Odd, failing is, failing was, failing will be.


I’ve had my moments of completion… Last weekend I was so close to smashing the assembled boxes and plexi boxes. Not that I am displeased with my results–granted I am not happy with the results, they could be better–but I sense the fact that the pieces are a part of me and only me.  Maybe they need to just be in existence only to be wiped away.  If I am looking for this to be a therapy for myself, shouldn’t the boxes or containers that I pour these thoughts into be destroyed? Should I keep holding onto the thing that holds me down?


Even so, sometimes the idea is much more powerful then the result.  I was playing around with left over material and I created something just because I had extra pieces. its tiny, inconsequential, piece of art. {that may be going a bit far}  It is 2 pieces of plexi facing outward  and a 1×2 frame around it with nothing inside of it, but air. + ++Again there are many things that remind me of what the substance of hope is, but really hope is nothing in itself except hope+++  I thought about calling this little crappy symbol of art a hope box… Mainly, for the sheer fact that it is like capturing hope.  One could say that trapped inside this little box is hope, and hope being intangible one could be correct. {for the sake of argument}  This box in itself would contain hope and be hope all in one.  We hope that there could be hope inside this tiny little container, but to open it would remove all doubt, but you would ruin the box and ruin the prospect of hope. Does hope even exist? It must.   SO maybe I should just hold on to the box that is filled with hope and keep hope alive.  <—- Alright, I don’t want to end my blog entry like that… So I am going to use a dream I had recently to restate my “Hope Doesn’t Really Exist, Yes IT Does” idea.  I had a dream… {feel free to go ahead and comment your interpretations} about a contained grass area, there I was… and I was there, being attached/chased by Red Tailed Hawks–3 or 4 of them.  Not from the air but on the ground, chasing me…. Upon waking from that, I figured that there were their unhatched eggs on the ground and these hawks were defending them…  Really that is it, or at least what I remember.  So what does that have to do with HOPE? What about the eggs, I say? These hawks were defending their future their hope… the potential to live on.  Since I would assume that hawk eggs should be elevated and not placed in some open area maybe it would be best that they have their eggs in some other place… It kept me thinking, what of the eggs? These hawks were risking their lives on the ground for the the potential these eggs have.  When maybe it would be best to just forget these eggs and make more… Their hope seemed like fear… This is the only opportunity… These eggs, we may only have these eggs… So what now… Hope created from despair? A lack of one hope created the need for another hope?  Anyway… this is how I dream and how I interpret them… go figure…

Oh… Here’s my little hope box:  {4″ x 2″}

Fun box not part of the FP Project

Hope Box not part of the FP Project

Yep, all that’s inside is air.













Failed Poems Project {waiting}

November 21st, 2009

Until the plexiglas comes in… I feel like I am at a standstill.  Which really isn’t all that true.  I guess I don’t feel that the Boxes are all that successful, which is too bad since they were the original focus of this whole project.  Now they have taken a back seat to the plexi pieces, which I find so much more interesting and fruitful. Maybe I should just run with the energy that I have and not worry about what I am or am not accomplishing.  I am worried, however about the weather getting colder and the change in season… Maybe I should start bringing the pieces into the house where the temp and humidity is about the same until I can get the studio set up in the south shed.  Now I have to wait for the weather to cooperate and if there is anything that I have learned, its that the weather will never cooperate.


So here is a little worthless poem that I keep rattling around in my head:


Medical science will never define

the life it chooses to leave behind.


–I am grateful for the life that science let my wife keep, but what of the shards and remnants that are just useless pieces of what we once knew?





Day 5: Failed Poems Project {contemplation}

November 15th, 2009

I’ve talked with another artist friend about this project and he suggested that I look at Art Brut.  Although I have had training, I still feel lost in a world that seems to have no place for me.  So the question remains, why do I even bother?  Because at a certain point it comes down to the need, the desire to express what is inside.  I believe this is also the very thing that drives these outside artists to create regardless of the consequences and regardless of the opinions of others.


A cool outsider artist: Jean Debuffet


As much as I try to be a part of the art world, Champaign, IL is not the place to be a part of the art world.  It is a cell of its own, with only the understanding of its own existence.  That may seem harsh and that is the only view that I have, my own.  It is a safe existence with little consequence and little progress.  I have as much blame to bear as the rest of the art community.  When has my art challenged the community?  When has my art challenged myself?  When am I going to get past the idea that I have to fit into a set pattern and rules?     Yet, maybe I should be interested in just being a part of this local community.  How can I make this community better?  Maybe me seeking my answers can help others regardless of how it is received and even in making myself understand my own demons, make myself a more effective human being.  I really hope that I can become that better person.


On that topic, I must say that digging into the feelings that I have about my wife’s cancer has not been a very pleasant one.  I can’t remember ever crying about it, more often I felt like closing my eyes and swinging at everything that moved.  I accepted that we needed to fight the cancer with reckless abandon.  I don’t believe that I ever dealt with the fear and now I get flashbacks like the moment of reliving an accident and I realize that as I am working on the failed poems project I get to relive moments and moments that may have never happened, its so hard to tell.  Is this what I have been reduced to?  Searching for answers to problems I know we’ll never solve?  Do I have a debt I owe to myself, a debt I owe to my wife?  What will ever pay down this debt?  And who keeps the balance?  I have so much work to do, so little energy, and so much fear to deal with.


This seems like such a dark place and the darkness reaches into so many parts of my life.





Day 5: Failed Poems Project

November 14th, 2009

Don’t have much time.  But this is what I got done….

Untitled {unfinished} Back Layer

Untitled {unfinished} Back Layer


This is a little Pinktober idea… “Breast Cancer Gas mask…. 1/2 of 1% of the sale of this item will go to some charity that helps breast cancer…. with a maximum of $50.00…. buy it today and feel like you are doing something!

The photo had too much flash… it is a very cool image though.


Box 2 {Right side}

Box 2 {Right side}




This is the right side of box 2.  Not much to say about this.  I am trying to have these sides look like they are from a journal page.



Fun box not part of the FP Project

Fun box not part of the FP Project


Fun box not part of the FP Project {other side}

Fun box not part of the FP Project {other side}



I had some left over material so I just made this thing….. NOT PART OF THE FAILED POEMS PROJECT. but a little paperweight for waiting papers….




Day 4: Failed Poems Project

November 13th, 2009


Inside view of Box 1

Inside view of Box 1


Here’s a pic of the inside of box 1.  I am not sure if I am happy with it but I am sick of this box and I have moved on to the next box.  Maybe I will come back and rework this box later.  For some reason, titles seem pretty worthless right now.



The Cancer Cell {front layer}

The Cancer Cell {front layer}

The Cancer Cell {back layer}

The Cancer Cell {back layer}

Above are the 2 layers of The Cancer Cell, I did get them put together and it looks like this:

The Cancer Cell

The Cancer Cell

Again the picture is a little problematic, it’s hard to photograph this work when the 2 images are overlapping with an inch between.  This image looks flat, but in fact, it has depth.



Box 2 {unfinished}

Box 2 {unfinished}

This is the beginning of box 2, the main image and the bottom.

Box 2 {unfinished, left side}

Box 2 {unfinished, left side}

And this is the left side of box 2.



Three of the View Boxes

Three of the View Boxes

And here are the View Boxes {for lack of a better name} Symptoms, A Simple Bilateral Mastectomy, The Cancer Cell.  Just a bit of cosmetic touch up and they should be ready.  This series seems to be the most promising to me. I can’t wait to buy some more Plexi and work further on this technique.




Failed poems, boxed in.

November 12th, 2009

I could have you, but never keep you.

I could trust you , but never believe you.

I could marry you, but never be you.

I could try you, but never convict you

I could say it was okay, but but never believe it

I could run away, but never get away

I could say it doesn’t exist, but there you are everyday.

I could stay healthy, but never shake the fear.

I could rebudget my existence, but still run out

I could reduce everything to a series of chemical reactions,

but never understand completely.

I could dig into a hole, but never make it bigger





Failed Poems Stuff

November 11th, 2009

Just thought I would add this to stuff I will use with the Failed Poems project:

Carboplatin

Carboplatin

Carboplatin Love Robot

Carboplatin Love Robot

But funny enough on its side it looks like a robot ready to hug you…. OR DESTROY YOU!!!!

Docetaxe-Taxotere

Docetaxel-Taxotere


I find it interesting that the symmetry of the Carboplatin model makes it look so easy.  When we go back to the Taxotere, it looks so unbalanced and unstable… (from my non-chemistry background) they all have their own beauty and elegance to them, although they are toxic.  My wife had to take antihistamines and steroids just to be sure that she wouldn’t DIE because of the therapy.  Like the steroid below:

Dexamethasone structure

Dexamethasone structure





Day 3: Failed Poems Project

November 7th, 2009

Box 1 Almost

Box 1 Almost

Well I was able to assemble one box [sorta] and see what the images and poems inside look like.  I still am rethinking the “front door” hinge.  I can’t tell how good everything will look once it is complete.  Although I am sure that I will be very sick of pink once this is over.  How many shades of pink can I come up with?

Simple Bilateral Mastectomy

Simple Bilateral Mastectomy

I also able to put together 2 of the plexi layered boxes: “Symptoms” and “A Simple Bilateral Mastectomy” –I am still working on the titles.  They may work or they may not.  I am fairly satisfied with the results and I am looking forward to attempting this method for other projects.  There is so much potential for layering and other interesting effects.  So far I am pleased.

Cancer Cell Back Layer

Cancer Cell Back Layer

Cancer Cell {front layer}

Cancer Cell {front layer}

Symptoms {detail}

Symptoms {detail}







Progress: Failed Poems Project, Day 2

November 3rd, 2009

First Layer: Simple Bilateral Mastectomy [unfinished]

First Layer: Simple Bilateral Mastectomy {unfinished}

In addition  to the Failed Poems Boxes, there is also a Failed Poems [Framed].  These are images on plexi that will overlap one another in order to create depth.  The image First Layer: Simple Bilateral Mastectomy [unfinished] is a dividing cancer cell which will be framed an inch in front of the Second Layer: Simple Bilateral Mastectomy [unfinished]. I am excited to see what happens once these are framed up. Check out some of the other parts that are coming together.

Second Layer: Simple Bilateral Mastectomy [unfinished]
Second Layer: Simple Bilateral Mastectomy {unfinished}
Front Layer [Symptoms][unfinished]

Front Layer {Symptoms} -unfinished

Back layer {Symptoms} -unfinished

Back layer {Symptoms} -unfinished



The Box Series:

Here is the breakout of the first box and some of the painted images on the inside:

Back Panel [First Box] [unfinished]

Back Panel {First Box}{unfinished}Needle biopsy





Larger version:


Pieces of the first box [unfinished]


Pieces of the first box{unfinished}








Progress: Failed Poems Project, Day 1

November 2nd, 2009

First day…. It was tough to just get everything together.  I was able to put together 4 boxes. It took all day.  I realize that I am going to have write something for the inside of the boxes.  I also thought of dropping a clear piece of plexi through the middle of the box, perpendicular to the front and back with just a simple image on the plexi.  I must admit that I am a little frustrated.  I don’t know how I am going to accomplish what I am looking to do.  Why do I do this?  Right now its just so that I can break out of this slump and get myself excited about the work that I am doing or will do.

Still I can’t help but feel that my work is growing.  Although is it a gimmick?  A little box of “secrets” that has a little view of a part of me?  Is this even a voice that needs to be heard.  Or is it something just for me? Some unresolved issues?

Plexi

Plexi

Hardware

Hardware

First Box

First Box

First assembled box
First assembled box
Four Boxes Assembled
Four Boxes Assembled, Four Others waiting.


Boxes of Failed Poems

October 15th, 2009

I think more and more of where I want to head with the “Failed Poems” project.  Somehow, I need to make this about breast cancer and my experiences…. mainly because I think my failed poems have a lot to do with dealing with cancer and a loved one.  I’d like to think that the poems I’ve written have a purpose and maybe even a dream attached to it, and yet as the poems gather dust, its like that dream and expectation is lost.  So much the same with dealing with cancer.  Is Cancer a failed poem?  I thought about making these boxes as a narrative of my experiences with breast cancer.  I am thinking of compiling 7-8 boxes… Here are some titles:


A Simple Mastectomy

Lump In My Throat, A Lump in Your Chest

X – Scars the Spot

You BRCA it, you buy it.

PULL!!!!

A Simple Drawing

Two Things Certain in Life: Death and Taxotere

Docetaxe-Taxotere








Failed Poems Project

October 2nd, 2009


Failed Poems

Failed Poems


So in the interest of full disclosure I am hoping to put my work together in a new way…. How I will photo them for slides, I do not know.  Drop cloth? Overcast day? (no Shadows?) It remains that I still have several logistical boundaries to overcome.  For one, what is the distance that the peephole will allow to see the whole image?  How do I avoid letting more of an image come through.  What about the concealing and revealing.  DO I care about archival quality… OK, YES, I DO.


I realize that I spend too much time trying to avoid failures instead of just saying “Screw it” and move on.  I spend too much time trying to convince myself that I am someone that I am not and at the same time losing ground on the things that I love, things that give my life meaning… or remind me why I am alive.  I want to still work on my Self Portraits, but I realize how much more this new project excites me and how much [hope] [a new idea gets my heart racing.] How much I really feel like getting into the studio.





Corn Starching the Plot

October 1st, 2009

OK, so I think I know what direction I need to head. Until all hope is crushed, I will pursue until I finally accept that I am just not a very good artist.  But I am thinking of a “looking box”  using a peeping hole (like on doors) I will have a painting inside that people will look into.  Hopefully the boxes themselves will have their own aesthetic beauty.  I need a plexiglass lid so that light can get inside.  so: http://www.professionalplastics.com I will use this later…. I also have another idea.  sandwich an image between 2 sheets…. we’ll see… I will have to wait until the next billing cycle before I buy all of the junk.





Parenthetical “Quotes” from Non-Existant People.

September 29th, 2009

“What is my point?”


“Perception is 9/10ths of the flaw.”


Well ok, that really doesn’t have anything to do with anything.  I want to have a purpose to my work, a goal.  Maybe if I created work when I can’t motivate myself to work for the sole purpose of fundraising?  Now, I don’t know how this is going to work, but why not?  Since it feels like my energy is directed toward fundraising anyway, maybe I should take that forward momentum and make it work.


I have to admit though this whole thing makes me sick to my stomach.  I finally feel motivated by something and I have to say that it makes a difference, but I wish that I could be selfish and take back that energy and let go of this need to give up on myself and push the energy as far away from myself as possible.   Maybe a put together a song that people can listen to and if they like it they donate $5 to my Marathon run. 



More Often, Then Not

July 23rd, 2009

I am overly convinced that more often than not, people are unable to look outside themselves in order to find some level of connection. When it comes down to it, we are shadows in a cave, only seeing pale reflections of who we really are and who the people around us really are.



Self Portrait Series (so far)

July 14th, 2008


Title: Me and this Army

Title: Les Dexik

(bottom)



Title: You’ll Have to Face It Some Day

(Back)

Title: You’ll Have to Face It Some Day

(Front)



Technique involves writing in pen on the gesso’d canvas before painting. The narritive comes through the paint and rises to the surface.
  
  
____________________________________________________________________________


What is my truth?

February 8th, 2008

Who am I really? Can I answer even the simplest questions about preference and who I am? Will I stand for something only if those around me are standing as well?
 
Having said that, how can my art/music be anything but a lie, as long as I am not true to my self? The times I find my self immobilized are when I either don’t know what the other person wants or there are 2 or more opposing viewpoints. 
 
I have let myself become something that I despise. I look inside and I see a formless mass of flesh held together by soul. I cannot relax, and I cannot pull who I am together. In my mind I try to focus on a white room with no obstacles and no distractions, and yet in my mind I cant keep the dust or the mud from creeping in. 
 
I have decided that my next project will be self portraits, hopefully this will make more sense to me.
 
 
 
 


Fear

January 26th, 2008

I realize that my life is more than the sum of my fears, but I know that my motivation is based on my fears. I fear failure, I fear truth, I fear myself… I have a group show at Springer Cultural Center in Champaign, IL and it should be the highlight of my painting career. However, I am unsure of the work that is on display. I don’t know if that is the direction that I want to go in with my work. It has been so long since I have really put an effort into my work. The fear of the unknown. Where do I go from here? Is it time that I really let myself go? Everyday I think a part of me slips away and I become more and more a person that I don’t like. Can I trust that person as I see the split happening before my eyes. So much has happened in the last 2 years. My car accident, my wife’s cancer, and the move to the country that puts me so far away from everyone and everything, all leading me farther from where I am.


Last night was the opening for the group show. I had to give a brief talk about my work, and I choked. Fear, again, seems to be my life. I wish I didn’t have to be so afraid that I will end with a meaningless life. My life must be more than fear or avoiding fear. My art must be more about the fear, making it less, I can’t be held back. I need my self back. Once things warm up I need to get back into my life and make a change. I need my own voice, not the voice that I break out to project myself in a way that only defeats who I am. Yet, now, I don’t really know who I am, am I the person that I make just to be someone for everyone? I don’t know.



Jam 10, double digits

August 15th, 2006

Well after some time of trying to get myself in the studio… I have put together something. Not much, but here goes…. JAM 10

 

 



Sink, Swim, or Float

July 6th, 2006

4 Months ago, I wrote about going into my 3rd year of SvenMusic, and looking forward to a new year. So far I have gotten very little accomplished.

 

 Usually when I battle with depression or stress, I can find peace in the art or music that I do, now it is a source of stress and depression. Somehow I imagine it something like a blood clot. Normally when blood clots it is the beginning for healing, and as such prevents the body from losing precious blood. However it is that same function of the blood to solidify in the veins/arteries that prevents not the loss of blood, but rather blood to travel to where it is needed. The treatment of a blood clot usually is very simple: thin the blood. Now the body must be careful not to injure itself, for in doing so could prevent the body from losing that which it needs.

 

 Maybe I am too concerned with the clot, and not the cut.





Deep Breath…

March 1st, 2006

The beginning is always the most difficult. Another year. SvenMusic is entering its 3rd yr. Right now I am moving to Sadorus, a new studio, a new part to shape my world view. Hopefully I will be able to follow through with my idea of a studio with an isolation room. I need to get new business cards and stationary with a new address…

 

 This Saturday I am showing 2 pieces at Krannert. Old pieces. My hope is to move on to further ideas, and images.

 

 I worry about being able to pick up the pieces and create new experiences. Should I invite other people into the studio to create new music? I really like the idea of the random interaction and expression of new people, very like Jam 6 and throwing in a violin. My hope with the Jams is to create a new experience, a random happening.

 

 My paintings seem to have taken a turn… I would like to pursue my Study of Personality… but I have met several roadblocks. Unfortunately I have had trouble with the website side of this work. I have hoped that by following this idea I would grow in my ability to develop my authoring ability. However, it seems that I have stumbled. I would hope that I could create an online quiz with a unique number to let the tester remain anonymous. By having those answers: A,B,C, D, etc. I would determine the direction, color, and line definition of the painting. Maybe I should start with a new idea, and focus toward this year…


So… SvenFaithful, see what this year will bring…





Krannert Taste of the Arts

October 16th, 2005


Well I had a short little showing of two pieces: Primary 7 and Verb: Wave at the Krannert Center for the Performing Arts. The Taste of the Arts was an open house for Krannert, featuring local visual artists and the UIUC performance community. I think it was a success and another opportunity for my work to be viewed.

 

 

 

 



Jam 9, The Video

September 25th, 2005

I put together a little video shot by my digital camera and worked it into Jam 9. It was fun to put together images and music. It was a great opportunity to try out the video features of Cakewalk SONAR. So I hope you all enjoy my little artsy video and music.

 

 

 


 

Download JAM 9 Music Only




To end

September 22nd, 2005

I watch on a blue screen as a yellow stripe inches its way across my screen. Its my hard drive I’m watching as it disappears into exploding 1’s and 0’s. It may be sad that in order to get a fresh start you have to erase or wipe out everything that stands in the way of getting the new beginning right. My computer is having problems dropping out in the middle of recording, and in order to combat this I have decided to upgrade my OS and wipe the slate clean.

 

 The irony is not lost on me as I wake up from a bad dream at 5 a.m. just to have this incredible urge to finally finish the clean up my recording system computer, when in my own life I am switching jobs, moving on, and moving up, in a sense I am wiping the slate clean, starting off fresh. Although I know we are not hard drives we cannot wipe everything clean from our memories. The thoughts, fears, and doubts of my current job will mark my experience with my new job, of course they will go with me everywhere I go.

 

 Now the problem is that you can’t occupy space and not occupy space at the same time. Before, when I tried to install the new OS I was unable to get my old OS to leave, I had created a dual boot system. So I was living in both worlds, trying to make both work, but both operating systems suffered. The problem is that none of the operating systems would share programs, at least not very well. Both systems were not sharing, and I was running out of room to have 2 in the same space. And the new OS couldn’t be updated because the old OS was taking up too much space. So I had to let the older job… err OS go.





Jam 8

September 12th, 2005

I finally have used my 4 day weekends for something. I took this monday to put together another jam. So enjoy.

 

Download JAM 8

 

 



Savoy Recreation Center

September 7th, 2005

Well I set up my work at the Savoy Rec Center 9/2/05. And I have to say I like the opportunity to have my work displayed as it should be. Within a working environment where it exists as an accent to peoples everyday lives. I never felt that my work should be some ground shaking art.

 

I love the idea of my work being a part of peoples lives sitting in the background, always present, and somehow being a passive part of people’s lives. Maybe I prattle on about how my art becomes a story in people’s lives, but I really like the idea of being a part of the lives of people. I guess that it is like my art becomes a context for the events that happen everyday.

 

I guess that is what I am looking for, the moment where I feel my efforts have meaning and significance in people’s lives. Maybe my work [music and art] will make sense to someone, somewhere.

 

So breathe deep svenfaithful, hope is on the horizon. I can only hope for the future that I am creating now.

 

 



Jam 7

August 17th, 2005

Well I put together another jam. I really made sure to compress everything, as always it is an experiment. I put new strings on the guitars and they just sound so much better. I am not sure how long they will last, I seem to corrode everything that I touch. Anyway here it is:

 

 Download JAM 7

 




Its too bad for you..

August 5th, 2005

To my wonderful commenter, who apparently hangs out in many Jr. High Bathrooms: Your courageous effort to [anonymously] thwart my ego or somehow placate your own have fallen away as I realize that you are probably wasting your time looking for “Sex” pictures and insulting people. If you actually had something intelligent to say I might have taken you seriously. Quit wasting your life, get out there, do something, get an education, and then really learn how to insult people.

 

 Love,
Sven

 

 “I am at Kopi Rigth now, and I was at aroma earlier today. And I still cant believe someone bought the red canvas with the two C’s having sex. I think I have seen better in Jr. High Bathrooms. Your work sucks. Stick to Accounting. –Posted by Anonymous” to SvenMusicBlog at 8/04/2005 10:29:21 PM





The 6 Mix

July 27th, 2005

Well I spent last weekend remixing Jam6. It was fun to figure out new ways to look at existing parts and rework them. Remarkably a violin moved down an octave and slowed down to half speed ends up sounding an awful like a cello… well you will have to take a listen and see if you can hear the violin.

 

Download Jam6Remix


Anyway, it is cool to see my efforts come around in August…. It is neat to see my work in Aroma and Kopi. I am excited to see how my new series is going to be received…. we shall see.

 

 



Primary, Secondary, and Tertiary

July 18th, 2005

My Reception on the 9th was a great success. I have really enjoyed being over at Aroma Cafe. I like having a show for more than a month, it really gives me a chance to be seen. I am hoping to get some people from work to come to Aroma over the lunch hour.

 

Anyway I completed my new series Study of Primary, Secondary, and Tertiary. It will be up at Cafe Kopi for the month of August. I used some images from my private collection of snapshots. For example Primary 7, shown below was a picture taken at Rolex of this year, I hope these are images that people can relate to…

 

 



Jam 6

July 3rd, 2005

Well I had a friend from college, Ben, come for a visit. We got to enjoy the demo rides over at Andrae’s Harley Davidson. They weren’t very busy… and Ben and I were able to ride just about all the bikes they had to ride. My favorite would have to be the Softail Deluxe…. Beautiful!

 

 Anyway we got a chance to get into the studio and hang out… so for the first time ever I have a recording with another person posted on the Samples page. We had a lot of fun…. We just goofed off and hopefully something good came out of it.

 

 HERE IT IS: JAM 6





The Waiting Game

June 24th, 2005

Now is the time to wait… Study of Verbs and Study of Landscapes are both up at Aroma Cafe. It comes at a very good time, the taste of champaign is happening this weekend and hopefully that will draw a lot of foot traffic.

 

 I guess that it would be nice to have people purchase my work, but on the whole it is neat to imagine all the eyes looking at the pieces. Hopefully they will pick up my cards and check out the website. Also the Aroma Cafe is nice and bright, much more fitting for any artwork. I’ve posted my work on the website.

 

 I’ve also made some progress towards further shows this year.. I have been emailing with the manager from Boltini’s and he seems interested in viewing my work. Not to mention the show at the Savoy rec center.

 

About the same time this year, I remember having such a profound sense of relief about my work and feeling complete. However it seems that I feel a sense of pushing on and moving forward. I cant wait to see what happens next.





Time Will Tell

June 12th, 2005

Well the auction went fine… My piece autioned for 75 bucks. Normally that would upset me, but really nothing was selling for what it should have been valued. Although I have to say I felt put on the spot when the people who bought the painting wanted me to tell them about the painting.

 

 Good news… I have completed the 2 works, “Study of Landscapes”, and “Study of Verbs”. I also have a show coming up on the 23rd of June, not much time! Anyway, I also have the opportunity to have my series “Study of Warm and Cold, Light and Dark” displayed at the Savoy Rec. Center in mid-August. Now I just need to rush to get everything ready in time!

 

 Here’s a picture of Study of Landscapes: “Landscape: II”

 





The Creation of Things

May 31st, 2005

I have finished several pieces and I am fairly happy with the results. I hope to put some pieces up online to show the work in progress. So far I have some Study of Verbs and a few Study of Landscapes… That’s the new one! I will try to pick a sunny day and take some pics for the website with the titles and whatnot.

 

 I don’t know how they will be received, but it is easy to break one’s spirit and believe that there is no beauty in the pieces, I wonder if I am too hard on myself. It is easy to feel alone in the criticism of my work when so often I am unwilling to share–fearing rejection–my work. On the whole this fear captivates my world and prevents me from believing in my talents and feeling free to do what is truly my hope for what Art is, a free flowing sense of the emotions, and line, shape, and color.

 

 This Friday, one of my Studies for Warm and Cold will be auctioned off for a charity. I am afraid to see the result of that work scrutinized by people who will eventually bid on the work. I hope that at least someone can go home with the work and find it worthwhile. What if no one bids on the work, and really do I want to be around to see this work rejected? Do I want my wife to be there as well? I guess I will have to let you all know when the time has passed and my fears are either forgiven or punished.


More to come….


 



New Ideas for Summer 2

May 24th, 2005

Now that I have the ball rolling… 19 canvases ready to roll, I painted last night after buying 16 tubes of paint. I am ready to pursue my study of verbs. I think I will only have 10 or so devoted to the study of verbs, leaving 9 for another series. I painted 3 last night: Balance, Twist, Break, and Wane (thanks anonymous!) I haven’t decided if I like them or not… It is so hard to break free from old habits and forget what made painting fun for me. When it becomes a task to be accomplished then the creativity is stifled and forced.

 

 I also have taken it upon myself to be a good accountant… SvenMusic is on the books with a general ledger and journal. I have taken the opportunity to calculate what each painting per sq. inch is costing me, so that I can figure the cost of goods sold… if any. I am also thinking of lowering my prices so that people feel that they are getting a good deal and are not dissuaded from purchase because of the price of the paintings. Now I need to find a place to show… or two.

 

 Anyway it is time for me to push forward and make progress. I want to improve on my work and show at more than one place this year.





Come Press On!

April 12th, 2005

After several attempts to record vocals as well as anything with a microphone… I have reached a level of frustration that puts me in a very awkward position of throwing everything away. Then it came to me…. COMPRESSION!

 

Maybe my little used Alesis compressor could save my sanity as well as help me progress on in my effort to remain alone in the studio, I would like to achieve my dream of recording with little outside help… Tips and Tricks from people are great, so keep ‘em coming. I just want to feel a sense of my own creativity moving me along. (Selfish isn’t it?) But there are few things that I can say are all mine… That I alone have satisfaction.

 

Well lets just see how my new found hope pushes me along… And hopefully compression may help my final mixdowns have more punch! We shall see.. The internet has so much info on this it is amazing!

 




Jam5

April 2nd, 2005

Well I spent a little time in the studio… Frustration. But I think that I came up with some good stuff so enjoy…

 

Download JAM5 


 



New Ideas for the Summer

March 30th, 2005

I am looking forward to summer. Its a good time to stretch my head and try to push for some creativity. I am thinking of creating smaller pieces this year and less, last summer I had 30 pieces. I will try to shoot for 15-20. The idea is another study, maybe I should just be doing “art” insted of studies. But I hope to see good things coming out at some time.

 

 My idea for a study is really just an abstract way of depicting a VERB. Hence the title: Study of Verbs. With an emphasis on color and motion. Kind of picking up where my other works left off. Who knows, I will see what I can put together. Pieces should be about the size of my study for light and dark. Titles may include:

 

 Study of Verbs: BREATHE
Study of Verbs: CHASE
Study of Verbs: … fill your VERB here.





Music to My Ears

February 15th, 2005

Everyday I check my logs to see what people have downloaded from my site. I am always surprised at what I find. I wish that I could bring in more people and maybe even get some feedback. So if you read this and check out some songs or art feel free to let me know what you think. Right now there are countless nos. of people coming through and downloading songs, but I never see the result of my work. I guess in a way I am searching for significance through the approval and disapproval of my work. Just to feel as if I am touching someone.

 

 It seems that in this cyber-world of sharing and out-reaching that we never fully make a connection. I have to say that this is a disappointment. I guess that I can only hope that maybe somewhere someone has this on a burned CD or even an MP3 player with these songs that just take up megabytes and air. For now it seems that it will just have to be music to my ears.