RMXS: GASOLINE : 2 C₈H₁₈ + 25 O₂ → 16 CO₂ + 18 H₂O

So as we approach the end of 2009 and the beginning of 2010…. Are we just recycling the excitement of the assumption of a better year in the hopes that we will begin again and repeat the cycle over again?  Like a Mobius Strip are we entering the same path over and over?  I am holding on to hope.  The ghosts of the past are that moment that we are lost in the memory of those we love, are missing, and of what we once were. I hope I get a moment of this year that is a pleasant surprise…. Let us look forward to looking back on fond memories of the past year.

Maybe this is cheesy, but I just pulled the definition of hope from http://m-w-com.

Here it is:

Main Entry: ¹hope

Pronunciation: \hōp\

Function: verb

Inflected Form(s): hoped; hop·ing

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English hopian; akin to Middle High German hoffen to hope

Date: before 12th century

intransitive verb

1 : to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>
2 archaic : trust

transitive verb 1 : to desire with expectation of obtainment
2 : to expect with confidence : trust

synonyms see expect

I think I am going to go with “to desire with expectation of obtainment,”  BLAST! Now what do I expect to obtain? Understanding? Peace? Trust? Love?  Not likely… But that could be whats missing.. Expectation.

OK, so I think I know what direction I need to head. Until all hope is crushed, I will pursue until I finally accept that I am just not a very good artist.  But I am thinking of a “looking box”  using a peeping hole (like on doors) I will have a painting inside that people will look into.  Hopefully the boxes themselves will have their own aesthetic beauty.  I need a plexiglass lid so that light can get inside.  so: http://www.professionalplastics.com I will use this later…. I also have another idea.  sandwich an image between 2 sheets…. we’ll see… I will have to wait until the next billing cycle before I buy all of the junk.

“What is my point?”

“Perception is 9/10ths of the flaw.”

Well ok, that really doesn’t have anything to do with anything.  I want to have a purpose to my work, a goal.  Maybe if I created work when I can’t motivate myself to work for the sole purpose of fundraising?  Now, I don’t know how this is going to work, but why not?  Since it feels like my energy is directed toward fundraising anyway, maybe I should take that forward momentum and make it work.

I have to admit though this whole thing makes me sick to my stomach.  I finally feel motivated by something and I have to say that it makes a difference, but I wish that I could be selfish and take back that energy and let go of this need to give up on myself and push the energy as far away from myself as possible.   Maybe a put together a song that people can listen to and if they like it they donate $5 to my Marathon run. 

I am overly convinced that more often than not, people are unable to look outside themselves in order to find some level of connection. When it comes down to it, we are shadows in a cave, only seeing pale reflections of who we really are and who the people around us really are.

Title: Me and this Army

(Back)

I realize that my life is more than the sum of my fears, but I know that my motivation is based on my fears. I fear failure, I fear truth, I fear myself… I have a group show at Springer Cultural Center in Champaign, IL and it should be the highlight of my painting career. However, I am unsure of the work that is on display. I don’t know if that is the direction that I want to go in with my work. It has been so long since I have really put an effort into my work. The fear of the unknown. Where do I go from here? Is it time that I really let myself go? Everyday I think a part of me slips away and I become more and more a person that I don’t like. Can I trust that person as I see the split happening before my eyes. So much has happened in the last 2 years. My car accident, my wife’s cancer, and the move to the country that puts me so far away from everyone and everything, all leading me farther from where I am.

Last night was the opening for the group show. I had to give a brief talk about my work, and I choked. Fear, again, seems to be my life. I wish I didn’t have to be so afraid that I will end with a meaningless life. My life must be more than fear or avoiding fear. My art must be more about the fear, making it less, I can’t be held back. I need my self back. Once things warm up I need to get back into my life and make a change. I need my own voice, not the voice that I break out to project myself in a way that only defeats who I am. Yet, now, I don’t really know who I am, am I the person that I make just to be someone for everyone? I don’t know.

Well after some time of trying to get myself in the studio… I have put together something. Not much, but here goes…. JAM 10

4 Months ago, I wrote about going into my 3rd year of SvenMusic, and looking forward to a new year. So far I have gotten very little accomplished.

 Usually when I battle with depression or stress, I can find peace in the art or music that I do, now it is a source of stress and depression. Somehow I imagine it something like a blood clot. Normally when blood clots it is the beginning for healing, and as such prevents the body from losing precious blood. However it is that same function of the blood to solidify in the veins/arteries that prevents not the loss of blood, but rather blood to travel to where it is needed. The treatment of a blood clot usually is very simple: thin the blood. Now the body must be careful not to injure itself, for in doing so could prevent the body from losing that which it needs.

 Maybe I am too concerned with the clot, and not the cut.

The beginning is always the most difficult. Another year. SvenMusic is entering its 3rd yr. Right now I am moving to Sadorus, a new studio, a new part to shape my world view. Hopefully I will be able to follow through with my idea of a studio with an isolation room. I need to get new business cards and stationary with a new address…

 This Saturday I am showing 2 pieces at Krannert. Old pieces. My hope is to move on to further ideas, and images.

 I worry about being able to pick up the pieces and create new experiences. Should I invite other people into the studio to create new music? I really like the idea of the random interaction and expression of new people, very like Jam 6 and throwing in a violin. My hope with the Jams is to create a new experience, a random happening.

 My paintings seem to have taken a turn… I would like to pursue my Study of Personality… but I have met several roadblocks. Unfortunately I have had trouble with the website side of this work. I have hoped that by following this idea I would grow in my ability to develop my authoring ability. However, it seems that I have stumbled. I would hope that I could create an online quiz with a unique number to let the tester remain anonymous. By having those answers: A,B,C, D, etc. I would determine the direction, color, and line definition of the painting. Maybe I should start with a new idea, and focus toward this year…

So… SvenFaithful, see what this year will bring…

Well I had a short little showing of two pieces: Primary 7 and Verb: Wave at the Krannert Center for the Performing Arts. The Taste of the Arts was an open house for Krannert, featuring local visual artists and the UIUC performance community. I think it was a success and another opportunity for my work to be viewed.

I put together a little video shot by my digital camera and worked it into Jam 9. It was fun to put together images and music. It was a great opportunity to try out the video features of Cakewalk SONAR. So I hope you all enjoy my little artsy video and music.

Download JAM 9 Music Only

I watch on a blue screen as a yellow stripe inches its way across my screen. Its my hard drive I’m watching as it disappears into exploding 1’s and 0’s. It may be sad that in order to get a fresh start you have to erase or wipe out everything that stands in the way of getting the new beginning right. My computer is having problems dropping out in the middle of recording, and in order to combat this I have decided to upgrade my OS and wipe the slate clean.

 The irony is not lost on me as I wake up from a bad dream at 5 a.m. just to have this incredible urge to finally finish the clean up my recording system computer, when in my own life I am switching jobs, moving on, and moving up, in a sense I am wiping the slate clean, starting off fresh. Although I know we are not hard drives we cannot wipe everything clean from our memories. The thoughts, fears, and doubts of my current job will mark my experience with my new job, of course they will go with me everywhere I go.

 Now the problem is that you can’t occupy space and not occupy space at the same time. Before, when I tried to install the new OS I was unable to get my old OS to leave, I had created a dual boot system. So I was living in both worlds, trying to make both work, but both operating systems suffered. The problem is that none of the operating systems would share programs, at least not very well. Both systems were not sharing, and I was running out of room to have 2 in the same space. And the new OS couldn’t be updated because the old OS was taking up too much space. So I had to let the older job… err OS go.

I finally have used my 4 day weekends for something. I took this monday to put together another jam. So enjoy.

Download JAM 8

Well I set up my work at the Savoy Rec Center 9/2/05. And I have to say I like the opportunity to have my work displayed as it should be. Within a working environment where it exists as an accent to peoples everyday lives. I never felt that my work should be some ground shaking art.

I love the idea of my work being a part of peoples lives sitting in the background, always present, and somehow being a passive part of people’s lives. Maybe I prattle on about how my art becomes a story in people’s lives, but I really like the idea of being a part of the lives of people. I guess that it is like my art becomes a context for the events that happen everyday.

I guess that is what I am looking for, the moment where I feel my efforts have meaning and significance in people’s lives. Maybe my work [music and art] will make sense to someone, somewhere.

So breathe deep svenfaithful, hope is on the horizon. I can only hope for the future that I am creating now.

Well I put together another jam. I really made sure to compress everything, as always it is an experiment. I put new strings on the guitars and they just sound so much better. I am not sure how long they will last, I seem to corrode everything that I touch. Anyway here it is:

 Download JAM 7

To my wonderful commenter, who apparently hangs out in many Jr. High Bathrooms: Your courageous effort to [anonymously] thwart my ego or somehow placate your own have fallen away as I realize that you are probably wasting your time looking for “Sex” pictures and insulting people. If you actually had something intelligent to say I might have taken you seriously. Quit wasting your life, get out there, do something, get an education, and then really learn how to insult people.

 Love,
Sven

 “I am at Kopi Rigth now, and I was at aroma earlier today. And I still cant believe someone bought the red canvas with the two C’s having sex. I think I have seen better in Jr. High Bathrooms. Your work sucks. Stick to Accounting. –Posted by Anonymous” to SvenMusicBlog at 8/04/2005 10:29:21 PM

Well I spent last weekend remixing Jam6. It was fun to figure out new ways to look at existing parts and rework them. Remarkably a violin moved down an octave and slowed down to half speed ends up sounding an awful like a cello… well you will have to take a listen and see if you can hear the violin.

Download Jam6Remix

Anyway, it is cool to see my efforts come around in August…. It is neat to see my work in Aroma and Kopi. I am excited to see how my new series is going to be received…. we shall see.

My Reception on the 9th was a great success. I have really enjoyed being over at Aroma Cafe. I like having a show for more than a month, it really gives me a chance to be seen. I am hoping to get some people from work to come to Aroma over the lunch hour.

Anyway I completed my new series Study of Primary, Secondary, and Tertiary. It will be up at Cafe Kopi for the month of August. I used some images from my private collection of snapshots. For example Primary 7, shown below was a picture taken at Rolex of this year, I hope these are images that people can relate to…

Well I had a friend from college, Ben, come for a visit. We got to enjoy the demo rides over at Andrae’s Harley Davidson. They weren’t very busy… and Ben and I were able to ride just about all the bikes they had to ride. My favorite would have to be the Softail Deluxe…. Beautiful!

 Anyway we got a chance to get into the studio and hang out… so for the first time ever I have a recording with another person posted on the Samples page. We had a lot of fun…. We just goofed off and hopefully something good came out of it.

 HERE IT IS: JAM 6

Now is the time to wait… Study of Verbs and Study of Landscapes are both up at Aroma Cafe. It comes at a very good time, the taste of champaign is happening this weekend and hopefully that will draw a lot of foot traffic.

 I guess that it would be nice to have people purchase my work, but on the whole it is neat to imagine all the eyes looking at the pieces. Hopefully they will pick up my cards and check out the website. Also the Aroma Cafe is nice and bright, much more fitting for any artwork. I’ve posted my work on the website.

 I’ve also made some progress towards further shows this year.. I have been emailing with the manager from Boltini’s and he seems interested in viewing my work. Not to mention the show at the Savoy rec center.

About the same time this year, I remember having such a profound sense of relief about my work and feeling complete. However it seems that I feel a sense of pushing on and moving forward. I cant wait to see what happens next.

Well the auction went fine… My piece autioned for 75 bucks. Normally that would upset me, but really nothing was selling for what it should have been valued. Although I have to say I felt put on the spot when the people who bought the painting wanted me to tell them about the painting.

 Good news… I have completed the 2 works, “Study of Landscapes”, and “Study of Verbs”. I also have a show coming up on the 23rd of June, not much time! Anyway, I also have the opportunity to have my series “Study of Warm and Cold, Light and Dark” displayed at the Savoy Rec. Center in mid-August. Now I just need to rush to get everything ready in time!

 Here’s a picture of Study of Landscapes: “Landscape: II”

I have finished several pieces and I am fairly happy with the results. I hope to put some pieces up online to show the work in progress. So far I have some Study of Verbs and a few Study of Landscapes… That’s the new one! I will try to pick a sunny day and take some pics for the website with the titles and whatnot.

 I don’t know how they will be received, but it is easy to break one’s spirit and believe that there is no beauty in the pieces, I wonder if I am too hard on myself. It is easy to feel alone in the criticism of my work when so often I am unwilling to share–fearing rejection–my work. On the whole this fear captivates my world and prevents me from believing in my talents and feeling free to do what is truly my hope for what Art is, a free flowing sense of the emotions, and line, shape, and color.

 This Friday, one of my Studies for Warm and Cold will be auctioned off for a charity. I am afraid to see the result of that work scrutinized by people who will eventually bid on the work. I hope that at least someone can go home with the work and find it worthwhile. What if no one bids on the work, and really do I want to be around to see this work rejected? Do I want my wife to be there as well? I guess I will have to let you all know when the time has passed and my fears are either forgiven or punished.

More to come….

Now that I have the ball rolling… 19 canvases ready to roll, I painted last night after buying 16 tubes of paint. I am ready to pursue my study of verbs. I think I will only have 10 or so devoted to the study of verbs, leaving 9 for another series. I painted 3 last night: Balance, Twist, Break, and Wane (thanks anonymous!) I haven’t decided if I like them or not… It is so hard to break free from old habits and forget what made painting fun for me. When it becomes a task to be accomplished then the creativity is stifled and forced.

 I also have taken it upon myself to be a good accountant… SvenMusic is on the books with a general ledger and journal. I have taken the opportunity to calculate what each painting per sq. inch is costing me, so that I can figure the cost of goods sold… if any. I am also thinking of lowering my prices so that people feel that they are getting a good deal and are not dissuaded from purchase because of the price of the paintings. Now I need to find a place to show… or two.

 Anyway it is time for me to push forward and make progress. I want to improve on my work and show at more than one place this year.

After several attempts to record vocals as well as anything with a microphone… I have reached a level of frustration that puts me in a very awkward position of throwing everything away. Then it came to me…. COMPRESSION!

Maybe my little used Alesis compressor could save my sanity as well as help me progress on in my effort to remain alone in the studio, I would like to achieve my dream of recording with little outside help… Tips and Tricks from people are great, so keep ‘em coming. I just want to feel a sense of my own creativity moving me along. (Selfish isn’t it?) But there are few things that I can say are all mine… That I alone have satisfaction.

Well lets just see how my new found hope pushes me along… And hopefully compression may help my final mixdowns have more punch! We shall see.. The internet has so much info on this it is amazing!

Well I spent a little time in the studio… Frustration. But I think that I came up with some good stuff so enjoy…

Download JAM5 

I am looking forward to summer. Its a good time to stretch my head and try to push for some creativity. I am thinking of creating smaller pieces this year and less, last summer I had 30 pieces. I will try to shoot for 15-20. The idea is another study, maybe I should just be doing “art” insted of studies. But I hope to see good things coming out at some time.

 My idea for a study is really just an abstract way of depicting a VERB. Hence the title: Study of Verbs. With an emphasis on color and motion. Kind of picking up where my other works left off. Who knows, I will see what I can put together. Pieces should be about the size of my study for light and dark. Titles may include:

 Study of Verbs: BREATHE
Study of Verbs: CHASE
Study of Verbs: … fill your VERB here.

Everyday I check my logs to see what people have downloaded from my site. I am always surprised at what I find. I wish that I could bring in more people and maybe even get some feedback. So if you read this and check out some songs or art feel free to let me know what you think. Right now there are countless nos. of people coming through and downloading songs, but I never see the result of my work. I guess in a way I am searching for significance through the approval and disapproval of my work. Just to feel as if I am touching someone.

 It seems that in this cyber-world of sharing and out-reaching that we never fully make a connection. I have to say that this is a disappointment. I guess that I can only hope that maybe somewhere someone has this on a burned CD or even an MP3 player with these songs that just take up megabytes and air. For now it seems that it will just have to be music to my ears.