It’s only an option I can’t refuse

You were straight faced with nothing less             the words have no meaning

Like a picture taken without a photo lens              and I will have to deal with the punishment

Please promise me you won’t die

Even if the promise was a lie                                    for our lies and the words that have failed

I cross my heart and hope to die there are some things that we

can never tell the truth about

I knew the truth couldn’t be true

I knew how to be special for you

we can’t go on the way we were

I knew that you could not be her                              what would you do then

to stick a needle in my eye

The genetics of love had changed                             the collapse of the concrete

the catalysts of DNA rearranged                              and mystery of what could happen

Couplets and triplets skipping across my poems

I’ve failed but failure is a part of my home             I’m afraid that there is no way to ever let go

darkness masquerading as the light

Please promise me you won’t die

Even if the promise was a lie                                       absence fills the lack of space

I cross my heart and hope to die there are worse things than

a needle in our eyes

I could connect with her and temptation

are you even that person that I’ve known

now scars are the cross that go across your heart

your lies, my time, the facts, and charts                        the pinpoint of a moment

No matter how hard it gets

with our moments and regrets                                that we could never return from

I had a dream that my feelings had changed

I told you and you knew and felt the same

Please promise me you won’t die                                 there are worse things than a

Even if the promise was a lie

I cross my heart and hope to die broken promise

Promise me that you will never hope to die

Even if your promise is a lie

I cross my heart and hope to die when lies are all that we have

the words have no meaning

and I will have to deal with the punishment

for our lies and the words that have failed

there are some things that we

can never tell the truth about

it is better to lie about fear than

to experience it

what would you do then

to stick a needle in my eye

the collapse of the concrete

and mystery of what could happen

I’m afraid that there is no way to ever let go

darkness masquerading as the light

absence fills the lack of space

there are worse things than

a needle in our eyes

the pinpoint of a moment

that we could never return from

there are worse things than a

broken promise

when lies are all that we have

It’s only an option I can’t refuse

You were straight faced with nothing less

Like a picture taken without a photo lens

Please promise me you won’t die

Even if the promise was a lie

I cross my heart and hope to die

I knew the truth couldn’t be true

I knew how to be special for you

we can’t go on the way we were

I knew that you could not be her

The genetics of love had changed

the catalysts of DNA rearranged

Couplets and triplets skipping across my poems

I’ve failed but failure is a part of my home

Please promise me you won’t die

Even if the promise was a lie

I cross my heart and hope to die

I could connect with her and temptation

are you even that person that I’ve known

now scars are the cross that go across your heart

your lies, my time, the facts, and charts

No matter how hard it gets

with our moments and regrets

I had a dream that my feelings had changed

I told you and you knew and felt the same

Please promise me you won’t die

Even if the promise was a lie

I cross my heart and hope to die

Promise me that you will never hope to die

Even if your promise is a lie

I cross my heart and hope to die

© 2010 SvenMusic

Intro (1m00s)

Prelude—Sunset (6m33s)

Part 1—Reset (10m43s)

Part 2—Progress (13m45s)

Part 3—Longing (10m36s)

Postlude—Sunrise (10m01s)

Outro (1m00s)

To me “Bright Spot” is the hope, the dream, that we all have, a goal of sorts.  The piece is comprised of themes that demonstrate the idea of a bright spot that we all strive towards.  The Sunset, the end of a day, but speaks of potential for the future.  Reset, the opportunity to begin again. Progress, the knowledge and achievement pushing us forward. Longing, the desire to fulfill a moment.  The Sunrise, the beginning of a new day.  The Intro and Outro are both made with pink noise, it represents the haze and static around our everyday lives.  When we get past the noise we can finally focus on the bright spot in our lives.

However the caveat to “Bright Spot” is the fact that we will never reach the bright spot… always present, always elusive.  It is in seeking the bright spot that we move forward.  Our hope rests in not achieving hope in itself, but striving for its existence.

Read more about the beginnings of “Bright Spot” here: Previous “Bright Spot” Blog Entry

or even the questionable fight

Seems we’ll never be able to let it go

I am so afraid of not knowing

The last moment that I have

Leaving you and leaving me

I know that we can only wish

To leave something greater

Really that’s all we ever want

To be more than the sum of our parts

I’d be happy with some of my parts

but not all

Every moment is just a moment

That we hope will not be our last

Have I failed the Reader

Like I have failed a poem?

Still I write and continue this pursuit

While pursued

Still, let me write my swan song

if I know that it is coming

should we look at life like

the last chance to do anything?

the last chance to be anything?

the last chance to say anything?

the last reason to do anything?

the last reason to be anything?

the last reason to say anything?

“Little Darling”

Also 2 remixes:

Remix 1 – “Dance All Night Remix“

Remix 2 – “Rock It Remix“

On the home page I uploaded “Candela” from a 2003 project, this can be played on the MP3 Player on the home page.

You can also download all the movements here:

Nihildum

Aduro Et Lux Lucis

Aestus Estus

Tabesco

Anhelo

I could only feel the change taking place, an obsession, the destructive attitude that drives us deep within.  The splitting of two halves: true to myself or true to hope.  Like a cyclical motif I came back to the place where I began just to begin the split again.  Living this moment over and over again reminds us of the pure simple fact, it is when we have nothing left to lose we return to the moment that all we have to hold on to is hope. Yet, as we hold on to hope, formless and empty, it is that substance of nothingness that only believing in its existence that we know that it exists. How can I build a foundation upon a seemingly nonexistent support system?

I came to the realization, why not celebrate my faults? Hold on to the thing that holds me down? In as much as I hold on to the hope that doesn’t exist, but does because I believe it does.  What is my failing?  In the same sense that I could return to the hope after all that was lost, I could celebrate the faults that I chose to hide.  Hence the “Failed Poems” and “Bright Spot.” The original idea for “Failed Poems“ was the concept of revealing and concealing the things I fear most: my inadequacies and the elements in my life where I had failed.  Poems seem a good allegory for my dreams that I had with my wife and the course of my life.  When I write a poem I hope that my words convey the meaning and everything that I have in those simple words.  When the poem fails, it fails me.   I deal with these failed words. Much like the feeling of a cancer diagnosis.  Words fail. Hopes fail.  How do I explore these concepts?

The “Failed Poems“ project relied on the cyclical motif of Fail to Hope to Fail to Hope.  Without over thinking, I would layout ideas and concepts what comes to mind and the words that flow.  Laying out feelings and truth without consideration to their artistic merit.  Why worry when eventually the circle would reach its furthest diameter and travel back around?  So do I focus on creating a bigger diameter? Hoping that I could push further into despair, only believing that it would take me deeper into hope on the return trip.  The elements are simple: transparency, concealment, obscurement, and elucidation.  Fear=Concealment/Obscurement, Hope= Transparency/Elucidation…. Hence, the concept of the view boxes.  A box with a view into the inside. Only those that chose to look into the box will see what is concealed.  Inside a random collection of thoughts, words, images, and a chronicle of  facing breast cancer with a loved one.  Using plexiglass I laid out images that would rest in a frame, overlapping with each other to form a composite image.  This is very similar to the experience of looking at test results: X-rays, DNA results, MRI’s, biopsies, and cancer literature.  This is the problem when patients and caregivers are bombarded with every piece of information and yet are still wanting. I hope that I can deal with my demons as I work through the pieces and decipher my own issues.

The “Bright Spot” was intended to serve as a meditative piece with a sense of serenity and focus.  I was tired of grappling with how my brain dealt with information and music. Why bother making it like all other music?  Or even to the extent that I didn’t care how it matched up to other music. It was my music and as long as it made sense to me I would be complete.  Why not just allow the parts to represent my ADD and let the world hear how I experience the world?  Through the experience of breast cancer and hoping for a better future the noise built in my mind.  The only way to calm my mind is to fill it with other noise… sound… parts… music….  The more I can fill my mind the more the static is deadened.  It is my hope that this music will serve as a help to cancer patients to draw their minds from Chemo or Radiation.  Even to help them sleep at night.  It has taken on a whole different character as it grows and becomes more than the sum of its parts.

Until the projects are done I will not know the full extent of their meaning if at all, but I know that these projects are intertwined and their meanings are combined.

While attending Trinity Christian College I wrote the soundtrack to the student theater production of “Tartuffe” in April 1997, Directed by Ken DeWyn. It is really great to revisit works that I have done over the years… now totaling over 250 pieces… Most of them are junk, but there are a few good things in there. This soundtrack would be one of them, I started writing music using FINALE in 1993. Using my ROLAND MT-32, which you will hear exclusively in the soundtrack. During the performance I hooked my computer and synth to the sound system and played the MIDI file “live.”

Set in the Baroque period I can’t say I like the use of the “Recorder” synth sound that I thought of as being “Clarinets” or “Oboes,” however the Organ and Harpsichord has a pretty good sound on the MT-32.

While recording these pieces, I had many “what was I thinking” moments… But I realize that is where I was in my development and it serves as a great reference to where I was and where I am going. We learn so much by where we’ve been…

Tartuffe Soundtrack – April 1997:

Opening – {Prelude}
2 minute warning

Intro to Act 1

Act 1 to 2 

Act 2 to 3

End of Act 3 to Intermission

Intro to Act 4

Act 4 Scene 4 to 5

Act 4 to 5

FINAL

Curtain Call

Bright Spot will be comprised of:

Prelude{Sunset}~6min D Major

Part 1{Reset}~10min F Major

Part 2{no Working Title}~12min B Minor

Part 3{Longing} ~Still in process B flat Major

Postlude {Sunrise} ~not begun, D Major/Minor?

I guess that I don’t know what to say about these pieces, but I have come to a point in the work where I want to do work that I like, that speaks about who I am and the way that my mind works. I have chosen to have my work represent myself, with respect to the history of music, but not bound by it.  I have been trying to work on phrases and sections that represent a repetitive thought in my ADD addled brain.  Since I believe that my prose does not seem to convey how my mind works or puts thoughts together, I will have to use my music and art to pull these desperate thoughts together.  Amidst existing thoughts that won’t let go {Melody/Chord Phrases} I will add other elements to compliment the repeating thought, sometimes my thoughts are like a song stuck in your head… Or so I can guess.  I don’t need to make everyone happy with my work… but I should always be creating work that makes me satisfied.  I want this music to be escapist {Function: noun/adjective: habitual diversion of the mind to purely imaginative activity or entertainment as an escape from reality or routine}*sorry, just love definitions*  ANYWAY… I’ve said too much….  Please let me know if you like the the Prelude and I may just put out some more files before I get everything recorded, which I hope will happen before It gets warm…. I need to get back to my Failed Poems Project.

the constant reminder of ringing in my right ear

symbols crashing together blurry and unforgiving

no time for the sloppy goodbyes I will see you in a second

missing moments that could happen everyday

waiting for the next day and into the next

there may not be room for love in all this

I don’t feel love

maybe try to be love in form

maybe love is like describing a color

you can never define it, but describe how

it makes you feel and the objects it touches

its reflections and brilliance

This maybe a good time to reflect

on what I would leave behind

what I have yet to create

I wish I could believe that this is okay

that we could stay like this forever

the lie we tell ourselves so that we can accept the truth

Eventually

a void is in fact a space of lacking

it is the space of nothing

occupying the corners of our mind

but I wouldn’t change this day for anything

because it is me and me alone

and I’ll be here a while