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I realize that my life is more than the sum of my fears, but I know that my motivation is based on my fears. I fear failure, I fear truth, I fear myself… I have a group show at Springer Cultural Center in Champaign, IL and it should be the highlight of my painting career. However, I am unsure of the work that is on display. I don’t know if that is the direction that I want to go in with my work. It has been so long since I have really put an effort into my work. The fear of the unknown. Where do I go from here? Is it time that I really let myself go? Everyday I think a part of me slips away and I become more and more a person that I don’t like. Can I trust that person as I see the split happening before my eyes. So much has happened in the last 2 years. My car accident, my wife’s cancer, and the move to the country that puts me so far away from everyone and everything, all leading me farther from where I am.

Last night was the opening for the group show. I had to give a brief talk about my work, and I choked. Fear, again, seems to be my life. I wish I didn’t have to be so afraid that I will end with a meaningless life. My life must be more than fear or avoiding fear. My art must be more about the fear, making it less, I can’t be held back. I need my self back. Once things warm up I need to get back into my life and make a change. I need my own voice, not the voice that I break out to project myself in a way that only defeats who I am. Yet, now, I don’t really know who I am, am I the person that I make just to be someone for everyone? I don’t know.

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