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You Owe Me {Failed Thought}

It’s October.  Pinktober… I used to think of Fall and Halloween, and upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas. Now it’s just the harsh reminder of the divide between those that would like to put breast cancer behind them and those that are more than excited to celebrate survivorship with  “Breast Cancer Awareness Month.” Since I feel already more than aware of breast cancer and would love to be less aware of breast cancer… I would like to suggest October be “Breast Cancer Oblivion Month” the one month out of the year where no one may think of, sell products of, wear pink, and use it as an opportunity to “get the word out” related to breast cancer.  I know that this may put me in the position of being a hypocrite… but really there is an implied expectation that this month is what survivors and caregivers live for and celebrate… but really it can be a cold reminder of the sectioning off of these two factions of the divide mentioned before.


There is no cure. At least not yet.  Even with every exam that comes back clean, NED, Stable, or unremarkable, there is no relief, it only reminds us that we have dodged the bullet one more time.  October has become such a strange month for me.  It is a month of very little rest.  There is a darkness that hangs on like damp day waiting to rain.  Something we can’t shake or shudder away…. and maybe it all is meaningless, because in the end, we are not really entitled to be happy, content, or safe, but instead, constantly evaluating our surroundings and taking stock in the things we may have been spared from if even for just one more day.


Sometimes I recognize the value of an action, a thought, a word…. We are more than the sum of our parts and the sum of the parts of others. I am not sure that I have anything even remotely redeeming to say, but I do know that “we do what we do everyday to get through.” Screw it, dance around, pretend there is no tomorrow, and wear friggin’ pink because sometimes it’s good to have hope always, even when it is hopeless… so even if it sounds like a complete 180… its not because it really doesn’t have to make sense it just has to be something.  Happy Pinktober can’t wait for it to be over.

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